CRAIG'S ULTIMATE FIX FOR THE ECONOMY!!!

NINE OUT OF TEN BELLINGHAM BLUES READERS AGREE:

LEGALIZE MARIJUANA!!!

Look, we already have all these fields down in the deep South, where tobacco grows like the weed it is, just festering away as America quits smoking (or simply stands around coughing while someone else lights-up, which, to my mind is a really passive-aggressive way to deal with YOUR problem when they can just MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF MY SMOKE ENHANCED AIRSPACE!) yearning to be productive. Well, in that my America's favorite ILLEGAL drug is good ol' Mary Jane, and since statistics show (after around 100 years of research) that it is NOT a gateway drug, nor does it cause mental instability, nor does it kill children in reckless car accidents (which, considering our ridiculous Holier-than-Thou attitudes on birth control is not such a bad thing) it seems to me that having this relatively harmless mood enhancer listed up there with Heroin and Cocaine as a Class Four drug is pretty ridiculous. Ask Woody Harrelson or nekked bongo player Matthew McConahay what they think about it.

License it, tax it, legalize it.

How wonderful to wander into your local 7-11 and buy a pack of Alcapulco Golds! I'll have the unfiltered king-size, if you please. Oh! And could I have a bottle of Cisco as well?!

In these troubling times, seems like we could all light up. Hell, imagine a green enhanced Hostess Cupcake! Tasty Delish! Oh, and BOOM BOOMS would be ever so delightful. With a bag of Cheetos! That sounds like supper to me. For dessert? Why an entire sixer of creme de menthe chocolate SNAK PAK pudding, of course! So what they cost 40 smackers! I'd buy.

Wouldn't you?

After a hard days work using your hard eaned PhD in biology spent reconstructing Federal roads, I bet you'd bite.

$816 BILLION Stimulus Package.

PFFT!!!

NETFLIX QUICK PIX!!!

Michael: You're stoned and you're late. You were supposed to arrive at this location at eight thirty dash nine o'clock.

Harold: What I am, Michael, is a 32 year-old, ugly, pock marked Jew fairy, and if it takes me a little while to pull myself together, and if I smoke a little grass before I get up the nerve to show my face to the world, it's nobody's god damned business but my own. And how are you this evening?

And so starts off a rollicking, frolicking night of bitchy Queens on Harold's 32nd birthday. Locked in a NYC flat, with plenty of booze, attitude, pot and the like, this seemingly harmless film (directed by William Friedkin) turns into a night of Queer WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLFE? Yes, some gay folk who don't remember what QUEER used to be, this film, based on Mart Crowley's play of the same name, is deftly written, claustrophobic, and by the time the final scene comes along, you'll have no idea what the hell hit you. But if any of you CUNTS (popularly used in this film) that watch LOGO are willing to take a look back, before fags died off and had STYLE, knew who the hell Victor Mature was, take a look at this flick. You won't find anything but sheer delight in the design, the fashion, and the oh, so late '60s mise en scene. Great music. Wonderful cameo by Maud Adams.

PUSHING DAISIES. Well, I cannot explain it any better than this: LEE PACE is worth the watch alone, and the premise is dreamy. Kristen Chenowith, Swoozie Kurtz, Ellen (oh, Audrey in LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS), and other surprise guests star in this offbeat, but lovely fable. Inside scoop has it (from the horse's mouth) that the internal bickering betwixt this female co-star and that are incredibly, edibly delicious, much like The Boys in the Band. And I bet they call each other CUNT behind their backs. 5 stars.

Like youthful French ice-skaters? MY LIFE ON ICE features a v-e-e-e-e-e-r-y tasty sample. Oh, no pedophile I, but I bet Derek Washington would LOVE this one. The Gallic youngster star is 16, wanders around with an HD camera, filming his mother, grandmother, his quel handsome teacher, and his oh, so delectable best friend. The only problem? It takes soooo long to get to the epiphany, and just want to see le cock (which you never do....maybe once....in brief), one could easily lose interest. Delightful as an experiment. Delicious as eye candy.

Horrifyingly dreadful KIERA KNIGHTLY stars in THE DUCHESS. Bosoms pushed and corseted to here, bewigged men prancing about in tightly tailored breeches, this thing (presumably about a long lost ancestor of Princess Diana) is a bunch of nothing. The latest IT Brit girl proves she cannot act any better than her predecessor, Patsy Kensit. Remember her?! This forgettably awfowl flick also stars Ralph Fiennes, and a horribly under-used Charlotte Rampling.

If I were you kids, I'd stick with the bitchy Queens.

Not the bejewelled Duchess.

FATTY FATTY 2X4, CAN'T GET THROUGH THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR?!

YEAH, IT'S JOAQUIN

As I've said before, keep this cockroach out of my sight.

Late last night, I got a rather frustrating phone call from a friend in Vegas.

WELL.

The juice was too good not to get up for.

Seems that Oscar winning Nobody, who recently retired from aaaaaacting, has turned into Jerry Garcia! Oh, yes! Greezy, sleezy, swarthy and FAT Joaquin waltzed into some club (LAVO), looking like his next role would be in another bio-pic about Cherry Garcia. Now, far be it from me to judge a beard (I've been known to have them myself), but scaring children, hiding behind facial hair is not my gig. Keep it trim, or else we all know how many chins your hiding.

Ask Liz Taylor.

Go away Joaquin.

Or go back to coke.

We didn't like you slim.

We hate you fat.

LA CRAIGSLIST? SPARE ME

THE TROUBLE WITH FAGS!!!

Hot model type guys lookin to breed ass tonight and take some loads, partyin and playin high style - bring favs if you gots em'

send pics - face and body - no solo ass or dick shots

20-40yrs old

no fems, just hot guys

RICARDO MONTALBAN!!!

THE BROWN DERBY!!!

Remember that fabulous I LOVE LUCY episode when she, Ethel and Fred run into William Holden (and Eve Arden, Lucy's great pal) at The Brown Derby in Hollywood?

Well, if you don't, you suck.

Anyway, The Brown Derby is now a mini mall, but they saved the top of the hat to paint silver, place it atop the roof, and turn it into a karaoke bar.

DEAR GOD!!!

As long as I'm giving away fave recipes of the famed, I thought I'd toss in this one: THE BROWN DERBY'S FAMOUS COBB SALAD!

· Brown Derby French Dressing

· 1/4 cup water (optional)

· 3/4 cup red wine vinegar

· 1 teaspoon sugar

· Juice of 1/2 small lemon

· 3/4 teaspoon salt (or to taste)

· 1 teaspoon black pepper (or to taste)

· 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

· 1 teaspoon dry English mustard

· 1 clove garlic, peeled and minced

· 1 cup olive oil

· 1 cup vegetable oil

· Cobb Salad

· 4 cups finely cut iceberg lettuce (about 1/2 head)

· 2 cups finely cut watercress (about 1/2 bunch)

· 5 cups finely cut chicory (about 1 small bunch)

· 4 cups finely cut romaine (about 1/2 head)

· 2 medium vine-ripe tomatoes, peeled and cored

· 2 cooked chicken breasts (about 1 pound) (preferably roasted), boned

· 6 strips bacon, crisply cooked

· 1 medium avocado, halved, pitted, and peeled

· 3 hard-cooked eggs, peeled and finely chopped

· 2 tablespoons snipped fresh chives

· 1/2 cup finely grated (or crumbled) Roquefort cheese

1. DRESSING: Shake water (if using), vinegar, sugar, lemon juice salt, pepper, Worcestershire, mustard and garlic in 1-quart shaker jar. Add olive and vegetable oils shake well. Taste for salt and pepper and adjust as needed. Cover tight and store in refrigerator. Shake before using.

2. SALAD: Arrange iceberg lettuce, watercress, chicory, and romaine in artful clumps in large shallow bowl or deep platter. Halve to tomatoes, seed, cut into fine dice, and arrange in strip across middle of greens. Dice chicken and arrange top of greens. Crumble or chop bacon fine and sprinkle over salad. Finely dice avocado and wreathe around edge of salad. Decorate with hard-cooked eggs, chives, and Roquefort. Just before serving, add 1 cup dressing, bring to the table, and toss well in front of guests.

You can also serve this chopped (which is how I prefer it) in a nicely chilled bowl.

Serves 4 to 6.

And be sure and sing along to your fave Edye Gourme hit while your eating it.

CHEERS!

LIZA WITH A KAY!!!

Perpetual train-wreck, LIZA!, is getting great reviews for her performances in London, NYC, etc.

What gives?

Is it her drooling fag fans that keep giving the spangled super-star these fab reviews?!

I wonder.

The first act is devoted to her illustrious career. But the second act is a fawning tribute to her Late God Mother, the dazzling KAY THOMPSON, she of FUNNY FACE and ELOISE fame.

Oh, reviewers admit that at 62, Minnelli looks amazing, can still sing her heart out (though the voice is strained), but I have to wonder how true all this hoo ha is.

Really.

Look, in Podunk.....errr....Bellingham, we had Miss Bernadette Peters waltz into town, so why can't we get LIZA! I, being the homo that I am, am DYING to see her and her newly bionic legs give a PERFORMANCE. Hell, even if she came to GYPSY ROSE LEE'S hometown of Seattle, I'd hitchhike, walk, or take the bus to see her.

Before she dies.

Or gets married again.

Hell, I'd give her a bottle of Quaaludes, just to cheer her up.

C'mon LIZA! Be a sport. Just because we live in the furthest most outpost of HOOTERVILLE, doesn't mean we don't need a little glamour now and then. I will personally show you our now defunct Toilet Paper Plant, and explain that, in its glory days, said plant produced so much ass paper that it would go from here to the moon and back 19 TIMES!!!

You KNOW God Mother Kay would do it.

And you're welcome to stay on my leopard print futon, which, as you know, was Kay's favorite colour.

It's only fair.

LIZ'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH CHASEN'S CHILI!!!

Oh, how I miss Chasen's. Now a mini-mall, Chasen's was the longest enduring and most popular restaurant in Hollywoodland. It survived long after THE BROWN DERBY! But their famous chili rules on.

Here's the recipe!

Note: You can replace the Chuck Roast with a high quality ground beef, and it still comes out just as good.

Give it a try in your crockpot! You'll be pleasantly surprised!

This is the stuff of which Hollywood legends are made. Rumor has it back when Elizabeth Taylor was filming Cleopatra in Rome she craved the chili made at Chasen's Restaurant in Los Angeles so much that she was willing to pay $100 just to have the order shipped to her. For years the recipe remained a closely guarded secret. It seemed the owner David Chasen came to the restaurant every Sunday to privately cook up a batch which he would freeze for the week, believing that the chili was best when reheated.

Chasen's Chili

1/2 pound dried pinto beans
Water
1 (28-ounce) can diced tomatoes in juice (I use Rotelle)
1 large green bell pepper, chopped
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
3 cups onions, coarsely chopped
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1/2 cup parsley, chopped
1/2 cup butter
2 pounds beef chuck, coarsely chopped
1 pound pork shoulder, coarsely chopped (try it with pork tenderloin)
1/3 cup Gebhardt's brand chili powder
1 tablespoon salt
1 1/2 teaspoons black pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin

1. Rinse the beans, picking out the debris. Place beans in a Dutch oven with water to cover. Boil for 2 minutes. Remove from heat. Cover and let stand one hour. Drain off liquid.
2. Rinse beans again. Add enough fresh water to cover beans. Bring mixture to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered for one hour or until tender.
3. Stir in tomatoes and their juice. Simmer 5 minutes. In a large skillet sauté bell pepper in oil for 5 minutes. Add onion and cook until tender, stirring frequently. Stir in the garlic and parsley. Add mixture to bean mixture. Using the same skillet melt the butter and sauté beef and pork chuck until browned. Drain. Add to bean mixture along with the chili powder, salt, pepper, and cumin.
4. Bring mixture to a boil. Reduce heat. Simmer, covered for one hour. Uncover and cook 30 minutes more or to desired consistency. Chili shouldn't be too thick--it should be somewhat liquid but not runny like soup. Skim off excess fat and serve with a dollop of sour cream and freshly grated sharp cheddar cheese.

Makes 10 cups or 6 main dish servings.

Call your heart doctor immediately after consuming.

NETFLIX STAH! OF THE DAY!!!

OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND!!!

OK. Enough about Lord Snowden's prowess. Sheesh. I got plenty of calls on THAT one, wondering how I managed to spy what is fairly obvious.

DONE!

Olivia de Havilland did not use a sock or tissue paper in her undies, but she did turn out some swell performances in many movies. Her refusal to take crummy roles ended up in suing Warners, and guess what? With quiet fortitude she won, freeing contract players and screenwriters from doing the dreck that was foisted on them. "The de Havilland Decision," still a mainstay in courts today, changed the way Moguls treated STAHS! Oh, sure, she and her sister have never been close, but that makes her story even more interesting. Plus, at 92, living in exile in France (and probably living a healthier lifestyle) Miss de Havilland, sharp as can be, gave the following, in depth interview in 2008. Her remembrances of a lovely California, her early success as an actress is forthright, and by golly, amazing. Naturally, I had to order her stunning performance as Catherine Sloper in THE HEIRESS as soon as I finished reading.

That's what Amazon.com is for!!!

Read (or listen to) her story here:

http://www.achievement.org/autodoc/page/deh0int-1

This is a cut and paste deal because I have no clue as to making the link "hot."

PRINCESS MARGOT'S BIIIIIG LAY?

WHAT A WILLIE!!!

Was it great lighting, a fabulous angle, going commando, or the fluffer?!

I cannot tell. But I will say that Lord Snowden looks like he was "packing", which is probably why the ever hormonal Queen's sister fell for the Society Photographer.

Read all about it in this month's VANITY FAIR.

(Please buy it, because it is the one thing in the HEARST EMPIRE that is suffering the most.)

OK, JOAN WAS A KNOWN LUSH, BUT IMAGINE HAVING THIS AT TEA TIME!!! CHANCES ARE YOU'D HAVE YELLOW EYES, NOT FINGERS...

Yellow Fingers Recipe

Ingredients
1 oz Southern Comfort
1 oz Vodka
Blue Curacao
1/2 oz Galliano
1 oz Orange Juice
2 oz Lemonade
1/2 oz Egg White
Yellow Fingers Directions Shake all but the curacao and lemonade very well and strain into a double-cocktail glass. Add lemonade, and garnish with a slice of orange and a cherry. Using a thin straw, place drops of blue curacao in neat rows across the frothy white surface, and serve immediately.
Serve Yellow Fingers in a Cocktail Glass Garnish with celery, Valium or a side car, as desired.

BESS TRUMAN AND MY GRANDMOTHER SHARE RECIPES!!!

THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU CAN CONVINCE ME THAT LOYCE WHITE AND BESSIE TRUMAN DID NOT SHARE RECIPES.

HERE, WRITTEN IN THE SAME HAND, IS MY GRANDMOTHER'S EXACT RECIPE FOR TUNA CASSEROLE.

I INHERITED HER FRIGHTENING RECIPE BOX, AND THERE IT IS, IN BLACK AND WHITE, FROM THE KITCHEN OF LOYCE, THE SORT OF STOMACH CHURNING THING ONE COULD EXPECT FOR SUNDAY LUNCHEON, OR A DATE WITH HER BRIDGE PALS.

THIS IS TRULY BIZARRE.

JACKIE BKO A SLAG?!!!

JACQUELINE BOUVIER KENNEDY ONASSIS!!!

"They're killing Kennedys, " she cried when she stole-away Maria Callas' Greek beau Aristotle Onassis.

I got into a rather heated argument over who was cooler: JBKO or Audrey Hepburn.

Based on personal style (and what they did for the World) I voted Audrey.

Why?

Because she gave back.

To the UN.

The Globe.

PBS.

And she just drifted away from us.

Jacqeline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis simply took us for all we had.

With her PINK-A-PADES FROSTY CORAL lipstick, her determination to make the WHITE HOUSE a French showplace, those two snotty brats she raised, her willingness to toss a football around for whatever reason JBKO pretty much sums up what you don't want to be. There is, beyond a doubt, hard evidence that JBKO manipulated The Press, put on a breathy schoolgirl act, swore like a sailor, brought clothes from France into the US, had them re-made, then swore they were from America.

I won't even mention her slightly lascivious taped phone calls to
Lyndon Baines Johnson.

Not that One hates Miss Onassis, but she was a foul-mouthed prig, born to a wastrel of a man.

Miss Hepburn was, by most accounts, a goddess. She had style, grace, and you know what? She gave back. If you look at the special features on the ROMAN HOLIDAY disc, you will spy a precocious yet humble little girl, still being filmed when thought she was not.

Both died of lung cancer, not far apart.

I miss them both.

Chanel suits or not.

We shall never see this kind of Style again.

NETFLIX QUICK PIX!!!

MARGARET O'BRIEN

According to Jeanine Basinger, MGM studio head Louis B. Mayer, still miffed that FOX had procured the services of wunderkind Shirley Temple in the thirties, found his own child prodigy as Temple was moving into that awkward stage: her teens. Who did he find? Why five year old water spigot, Margaret O'Brien! Can you imagine the convo between LB and the talent scout who found her?

Look LB! Here's that kid you've been looking for! Nah, she can't sing! Cute? Well. If you close one eye and squint out of the other, yeah! Can she dance? Hell no! Did that stop you from hiring Virginia Weidler?! But look LB, the kid can cry on cue! C'mon kid! Show him what you got!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Here are a couple of tear jerking performances meant for those Wartime Audiences.

JOURNEY FOR MARGARET: O'Brien, in an elfin hat, stars with Robert Young. She's a war orphan in blitzkrieg Britain, and American reporter Young has a barren wife, Larraine Day, who, ironically, has gone berzerk with shell shock. Thank GOD that Watson guy from the Basil Rathbone Sherlock Holmes Series was around to diagnose Day's problem! Strangely, O'Brien is shell-shocked, too! But Austrian Refugee Fay Bainter is on hand, running a home for little lost children. AND SHE COAXES THOSE TEARS RIGHT OUT OF O'BRIEN! And once she starts, the hysteria won't stop. O'Brien bonds with some other moppet, Young is bewitched, and the next thing you know, they're trying to figure out a way to get the kids out of Britain on tightly packed military planes. You can guess how this ends.

Edward G. Robinson, Agnes Moorehead and the Magic Font star in OUR VINES HAVE TENDER GRAPES. Based on the novel by George Victor Martin and adapted for the screen by soon to be Black Listed Dalton Trumbo, this flick is set in some Midwestern town of Swedish immigrants, just trying to get along eating egg pancakes with honey and milking cows. Again, there's lot's of talk about the War in Europe. Some broad with the strangest hair 'do costars as the big city gal who comes to town to teach elementary school. O' Brien (accidentally killing a rodent while pretending to be a WAC) starts tearing up in the first five minutes! While Robinson (in a strange departure from his usual gansta roles) puts on an unlikely Swedish accent, Moorehead doesn't even bother.

In LITTLE WOMEN, O'Brien stars as the ever pathetic Beth. Also on hand are an annoying June Allyson, cool and collected adulteress Mary Astor, Peter Lawford, Rossano Brazzi, Janet Leigh, and a bizarrely blonde Elizabeth Taylor. In a weird futuristic twist, Taylor is filmed stuffing her face with pastries, sausages and lampshades. Well, maybe not lampshades, but she recites lines with a mouthful throughout. Louisa May Alcott gets the MGM treatment! You know the story. I won't even bother to go into it.

MEET ME IN ST LOUIS stars a glamourized Judy Garland, Mary Astor, Lew Ayres, and, of course, hydrolically enhanced O'Brien as TOOTIE, the petulant little brat who wants to go to the fair. Technicolor tune-filled schmaltz directed by Vincente Minelli. Rumor has it that by this time, O'Brien knew what she was, and took to ruining takes by moving props around before shooting, infuriating the old pros around her. Garland looks fine, but you know she's hopped up on bennies because she's thin as a rail and her already dark eyes are enhanced by tell-tale enlarged pupils. Fine family fare, if you have one.

In a bit of pre-war revisionist history, screenwriter Sarah Williams tells the tale of WALLIS AND EDWARD, this time from the two time divorcee's point of view. No, Wallis Simpson did NOT want to be queen, no she did NOT want the King to abdicate, yes hubby WANTED a divorce to marry his mistress. O'Brien is nowhere to be seen, and Joely Richardson kinda looks like Wallis's younger pretty sister. Stephen Campbell Moore is on hand as the man who would be king, and Mariam Margolyes is the ever kindly Aunt Bessie, who comforts Wallis by telling her that NO MATTER WHAT, THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS TO BLAME! Ever since Eve! But take heart, Wallis! Your fig leaf is from Cartier. Really horrid supporting cast pretending to be famous figures from the day. Morganic Marriage be damned! At best, a chick flick. At worst, a bunch of malarkey.

William Holden and Barbara Stanwyck star in GOLDEN BOY. Really affecting boxing flick based on Clifford Odet's acclaimed play. Holden is a sensitive violinist-cum-champion boxer, and Stanwyck is the hard-boiled gal he loves. Will she ditch Adolph Menjou? Will Lee J. Cobb forgive his son for throwing over music for sparring? Will Bill Holden just keep his shirt off for 20 more minutes? PRETTY PLEASE? Ironically, this swell flick was produced in 1939, arguably Hollywood's Golden Year.

Get out the Kleenex kids.

And be sure to take your Prozac.