Dear Santa,
Gee, it's been a long time, huh? I haven't written to you in, like, well, a looong time. Not that I've stopped believing, I just figured I'd spent so many years being naughty and not so nice (if you can see me when I'm sleeping...or should be...you know what I mean) that it would be pointless. But this year I thought "HEY! Why NOT?!" Can't hurt.
Since the last time I wrote to you, I've lived in a bunch of different places, but I have to tell you, Santa, Bellingham is the worst! I don't know if you get much television up there in the North Pole, but we are the furthest outpost of HOOTERVILLE in the country. Although a lot of PIGS live up here, none of them are as cute as Arnold. And nobody but Jory Mickelson cooks hotsa cakes in chiffon and ostrich plumes.
So here is my list of greedy gifts from your old pal:
1. While you are on your way home, would you mind dropping several tins of film from Hollywood? It would be nice to see what's nominated for Oscars before the Award Show. A burro carries them here at this point.
2. Please drop a few of your Gay Elves here to stay (try not to confuse them with TROLLS, because we have any number of them that are so busy wasting space...lots of it...at Rumors, quaffing Rum and Cokes and bragging about their glory days at Bellingham HS, rather than doing what they should be: KEEPING THE BILLY GOATS OUT OF TOWN). You know, Elves that embody what GAY is. Not just some bloated cocksuckers who haven't read a book in YEARS.
3. Speaking of which: Please drop the entire collection of DR SUESS books at the home of Alford Johnson, so he can start to learn to read. Then maybe he'll graduate to The Bobsey Twins, but I doubt it. SEE DICK. SEE DICK RUN.
4. While you are shuttling things from one place to another, would you mind dropping off a few politicians from CHICAGO off here. They couldn't be any more corrupt than the Bozos that run this Hamlet now.
5. I was going to ask you to drop a stink bomb on FAIRHAVEN, but that would prove only to be good publicity for Ye Olde Stinky Cheese Shoppe, as the locals would just think it imploded. So if you could, Mr. Claus, just drop some (about 300) PARKING METERS with really high prices for really short parking times so the rich folks have to pay just as much as the rest of us do for parking.
6. If you're going to bring snow, please package it in GRAM sized glassine baggies.
7. A mink muff.
8. A matching coat.
9. A matching AMEX card with an unlimited credit limit, to be paid for by the government. I promise to only use it up to around $700billion or so.
10. Every Julie London album I don't own already.
11. A REAL Drag Queen. Maybe Lypsinka would like to live here? (Please do not mistakenly bring RuPaul as she is SO 5 minutes ago.)
Well Santa Baby, I think that's all I want. I'll send you another note if I think of anything else.
Your friend,
Craig
PS: Say hello to the MRS. If I remember correctly, she's well into the nog at this point.
Gee, it's been a long time, huh? I haven't written to you in, like, well, a looong time. Not that I've stopped believing, I just figured I'd spent so many years being naughty and not so nice (if you can see me when I'm sleeping...or should be...you know what I mean) that it would be pointless. But this year I thought "HEY! Why NOT?!" Can't hurt.
Since the last time I wrote to you, I've lived in a bunch of different places, but I have to tell you, Santa, Bellingham is the worst! I don't know if you get much television up there in the North Pole, but we are the furthest outpost of HOOTERVILLE in the country. Although a lot of PIGS live up here, none of them are as cute as Arnold. And nobody but Jory Mickelson cooks hotsa cakes in chiffon and ostrich plumes.
So here is my list of greedy gifts from your old pal:
1. While you are on your way home, would you mind dropping several tins of film from Hollywood? It would be nice to see what's nominated for Oscars before the Award Show. A burro carries them here at this point.
2. Please drop a few of your Gay Elves here to stay (try not to confuse them with TROLLS, because we have any number of them that are so busy wasting space...lots of it...at Rumors, quaffing Rum and Cokes and bragging about their glory days at Bellingham HS, rather than doing what they should be: KEEPING THE BILLY GOATS OUT OF TOWN). You know, Elves that embody what GAY is. Not just some bloated cocksuckers who haven't read a book in YEARS.
3. Speaking of which: Please drop the entire collection of DR SUESS books at the home of Alford Johnson, so he can start to learn to read. Then maybe he'll graduate to The Bobsey Twins, but I doubt it. SEE DICK. SEE DICK RUN.
4. While you are shuttling things from one place to another, would you mind dropping off a few politicians from CHICAGO off here. They couldn't be any more corrupt than the Bozos that run this Hamlet now.
5. I was going to ask you to drop a stink bomb on FAIRHAVEN, but that would prove only to be good publicity for Ye Olde Stinky Cheese Shoppe, as the locals would just think it imploded. So if you could, Mr. Claus, just drop some (about 300) PARKING METERS with really high prices for really short parking times so the rich folks have to pay just as much as the rest of us do for parking.
6. If you're going to bring snow, please package it in GRAM sized glassine baggies.
7. A mink muff.
8. A matching coat.
9. A matching AMEX card with an unlimited credit limit, to be paid for by the government. I promise to only use it up to around $700billion or so.
10. Every Julie London album I don't own already.
11. A REAL Drag Queen. Maybe Lypsinka would like to live here? (Please do not mistakenly bring RuPaul as she is SO 5 minutes ago.)
Well Santa Baby, I think that's all I want. I'll send you another note if I think of anything else.
Your friend,
Craig
PS: Say hello to the MRS. If I remember correctly, she's well into the nog at this point.
6 comments:
I bet those gay elves eat cheese, too. At least I hope so.
Katie!
On doing some research, I found that THE Gay elves actually only eat sugar cookies, yule logs, fruit cakes and consider Red Vines to be a food group. However, THE Gay dwarves LOVE cheese, but we don't want them here.
Craig
How about some non-snobby people in Snottyham? In the fifties, people may have been snobby if you didn't wear a suit and tie; now dumb broads (and hateful and jealous ones) laugh if you think well enough of yourself to dress up - a little - as in nice pants, hat and sweater. It's only "acceptable" if you put a lace dress over jeans over mismatched striped socks over Army boots with piercings, spiked hair, a chain, and anything else that screams "Trying Too Hard!"
There are two kinds of nonconformists:
People who conform to nonconformity, and the few real nonconformists who go about their business quietly.
InfantiHamsters are the former.
I am afraid that the ostrich feathers are no more. My cat has gotten into the wardrobe. Although, I do have a lovely purple satin evening gown, peacock feathers, and a neckless that just drips with amethysts.
How's it look with a cast iron skillet?
Fabulous, of course. My finish in my skillet is darker than the looks I give my husband when he has been eye'n that neighbor bitch!
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