CRAIG'S LETTER TO SANTA!!!

Dear Santa,

Gee, it's been a long time, huh? I haven't written to you in, like, well, a looong time. Not that I've stopped believing, I just figured I'd spent so many years being naughty and not so nice (if you can see me when I'm sleeping...or should be...you know what I mean) that it would be pointless. But this year I thought "HEY! Why NOT?!" Can't hurt.

Since the last time I wrote to you, I've lived in a bunch of different places, but I have to tell you, Santa, Bellingham is the worst! I don't know if you get much television up there in the North Pole, but we are the furthest outpost of HOOTERVILLE in the country. Although a lot of PIGS live up here, none of them are as cute as Arnold. And nobody but Jory Mickelson cooks hotsa cakes in chiffon and ostrich plumes.

So here is my list of greedy gifts from your old pal:

1. While you are on your way home, would you mind dropping several tins of film from Hollywood? It would be nice to see what's nominated for Oscars before the Award Show. A burro carries them here at this point.

2. Please drop a few of your Gay Elves here to stay (try not to confuse them with TROLLS, because we have any number of them that are so busy wasting space...lots of it...at Rumors, quaffing Rum and Cokes and bragging about their glory days at Bellingham HS, rather than doing what they should be: KEEPING THE BILLY GOATS OUT OF TOWN). You know, Elves that embody what GAY is. Not just some bloated cocksuckers who haven't read a book in YEARS.

3. Speaking of which: Please drop the entire collection of DR SUESS books at the home of Alford Johnson, so he can start to learn to read. Then maybe he'll graduate to The Bobsey Twins, but I doubt it. SEE DICK. SEE DICK RUN.

4. While you are shuttling things from one place to another, would you mind dropping off a few politicians from CHICAGO off here. They couldn't be any more corrupt than the Bozos that run this Hamlet now.

5. I was going to ask you to drop a stink bomb on FAIRHAVEN, but that would prove only to be good publicity for Ye Olde Stinky Cheese Shoppe, as the locals would just think it imploded. So if you could, Mr. Claus, just drop some (about 300) PARKING METERS with really high prices for really short parking times so the rich folks have to pay just as much as the rest of us do for parking.

6. If you're going to bring snow, please package it in GRAM sized glassine baggies.

7. A mink muff.

8. A matching coat.

9. A matching AMEX card with an unlimited credit limit, to be paid for by the government. I promise to only use it up to around $700billion or so.

10. Every Julie London album I don't own already.

11. A REAL Drag Queen. Maybe Lypsinka would like to live here? (Please do not mistakenly bring RuPaul as she is SO 5 minutes ago.)

Well Santa Baby, I think that's all I want. I'll send you another note if I think of anything else.

Your friend,

Craig

PS: Say hello to the MRS. If I remember correctly, she's well into the nog at this point.

NETFLIX QUICK PIX!!!

CAGED BOIDS!

Now, honestly, who does not love a WOMEN IN PRISON FLICK or two. Gals behind bars. Being restrained, thrown into isolation, tortured by terrifying Amazons or ruthless Costume Designers. Here are a couple of swell classics.

CAGED, starring Eleanor Parker, is probably the best known cult classics of the genre. Parker portrays a newlywed 19 year old, sentenced to hard time and taught the ropes of tough prison life by Dames who've been in and out several times. Surprisingly well-acted by well known HAM Parker (who was nominated for an Oscar) she's restrained and vital. Her transformation from ingenue to hard boiled gal is believable. Supported by a sterling cast of character actresses (Ellen Corby, and Oscar Nominee Hope Emerson as the SCARY matron, Agnes Moorehead as the kindly warden), well. This film has to be seen to be believed. Written by Virginia Kellogg, who did research by posing as an inmate, also nominated for a big award. I didn't really see the camp value, but it was compelling. Dated, yes. Campy, no.

Olivia DeHavilland in LADY IN A CAGE is campy. DeHavilland (with quite the rack for a broad in her 50's) is locked betwixt floors in a private elevator in her opulent home. Well, I won't go into the rest, but she's terrorized by a young James Caan, and a blowsy Ann Sothern. Vaguely Oedipal overtones here, as her pampered son decides to blow the coop the same morning. Not as fiendish as WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE, but it did have me on the edge of my seat, clutching Gus, who watched it with an intent rare in the feline species. Two Paws Up!

Ever wondered what it would be like if your Costume Designer went berserk?! ZIEGFELD GIRL does just that. Complete with a star-studded MGM cast, this flick features some of the most outlandish, uncomfortable frocks and costumes in film history. Designer ADRIAN run amuck! Starring Judy Garland as her perky, still a little fat girl self, Hedy Lamarr, who's just plain gorgeous and does nothing, and a surprisingly GOOD Lana Turner as the red-head gal who goes down hill. Eve Arden's around too, hand on one hip, leaning on a dressing room mirror and tossing off those wry asides that made her famous. And then there are the rest, Ziegfeld girls all, meandering down staircases dressed in sea coral, balloons, tinsel, cellophane....you name it. FABOO supporting cast and undergarments.

This is bondage in the highest form.

HERE'S TO MY ELDEST FRIEND!!!

Derek Washington, formerly known as Black Slime, has climbed into a seat at the Las Vegas Film Festival as Judge.

Well!

I suppose I could be jealous, but I'm not. Why? Because we two fought and scrapped our way into becoming what....ahem....we've become. Not easy coming from Medfly, but, I think, as history will tell, we did it.

As Alison Jablonski once said to me: "You're going to make it. You will. Only because you have the power to mow over people."

MRS J. WAS A BITCH OF THE HIGHEST ORDER

You made it Derek.

And I'm proud.

WHO CARES???

So Joaquin (I've been coasting on my dead brother's reputation for years) Phoenix is retiring from acting?! What a tragic loss.

What a caaaah-rashing bore.

I had the pleasure of meeting a hopped-up Phoenix at the home of Udo Kier. Oh, it was some Euro-trash affair, and the Phoenix family came en masse, casting a pall on the already tedious goings-on. There was mustachioed Rain, her Hobbit feet crammed into a pair of Prada sandals, and some equally swarthy Phoenix siblings. Joaquin fussed and fawned over a drunken (quelle suprise) Kier, loudly making a big deal over whatever Kier's latest plundering of the dramatic arts was. (You can read all about it in my upcoming memoir TRAVELS WITH UDO: A LIFE IN LEIDERHOSEN.)


Needless to say, I was duly unimpressed. As I have been with Phoenix's rise to Oscar winning star.

Had the ethereally talented River not paved the way for his brother's success, we would never have a Joaquin. Oh, I give Phoenix kudos for his dead on impression of Country Singer Johnny Cash, but I do the same for the late Charles Pierce's impersonation of the late Bette Davis. And I saw no Oscars handed over to him.

The Academy loves impersonations. Do I call it acting? Well, no. And we all know what happened to Marissa Tomei (who won over Dame Joan Plowright) after she won an Oscar for impersonating a gangster's moll, don't we. And whither oh whither has that daughter of Paul something Italian gone for impersonating a prostitute in a Woody (I was forced to marry my girlfriend's adopted daughter) Allen flick. You know who I mean. And what about Hillary (hooters courtesy of Dow Corning) Swank, who won TWICE (?!) over Annette Bening for impersonating an actress?! I mean, give me a break. Imagine Swank in a revival of Ibsen's A DOLL'S HOUSE.

But. I digress.

So Phoenix (who I believe will be back when the cash runs out) can have his little HIGH PROFILE vacation, pursue his MUSICAL CAREER, and stay the hell out of my sight for as long as he likes.

And take his sister with him.

ONLY MERRILY COULD HOLLER LIKE THIS!!!

YMA SUMAC

1922-2008

BOOKS YOU CAN'T PUT DOWN!!!

HERE ARE A COUPLE OF DISHY TOMES FOR A RAINY NIGHT!






Love salacious gossip? Love hearing the dirt on the Royals? The perils of being a movie STAH! Well you'll love these bits of trivial pursuit!

Publishing gadfly Tina Brown's THE DIANA CHRONICLES is probably one of the funniest, well researched, entertaining books on Princess Diana ever. No one comes out unscathed! The Queen Mum appears as a Gin Guzzling prig; The Queen as cold and uncaring about much more than the Royal Jewels (she called France to see if Diana was wearing any hours after the crash); Prince Charles a gloomy wastrel; Princess Anne a gun toting nilly; Diana a dumb broad (her loopy, school girl scrawl is ridiculed throughout) with a media savvy genius. The boyfriends make appearances hither and yon, nattering on about their affairs with The Princess. But more interesting is the history of Diana's family, going all the way back to Charles II, who was married to a woman that was barren, but managed to father several children to different courtesans in his day. If and when Prince William ascends to the throne, he will be the first direct descendant of CII to rein! Brown, who was editor of the glossy English tabloid TATLER during Diana's spectacular rise from nothing, has plenty of inside contacts on the Royals. The main thing is her writing is stylish and witty. Once I started to read this (it was foisted on me....I could care less) it was non-stop pleasure. A surprise indeed.

THE STAR FACTORY, from prominent film historian Jeanine Basinger is a fascinating look into the inner workings of the old Studio System: How stars were groomed, tested, re-tested, re-groomed and sold as products to the world, then ultimately discarded as popularity waned. The writing, again, is insightful and witty. You can tell Basinger clearly loves what she does. Some of her observations are laugh out loud hilarious! On Bette Davis rival Miriam Hopkins (portraying a Western saloon singer in Virginia City): "The role requires her, without a shred of musical talent, to "entertain" at the Virginia City nightspot. There she is, can-canning around the stage and dancing among the men in the audience, all of whom look vaguely frightened." This is good stuff. If you love classic film, you will LOVE this book.

Happy reading!

Well, I guess Ms Stinky Cheese had a fit about my post. Some nice police officer came to my door, with a list of words that SC wanted removed. The cop was very nice about it, and said I had the right to say whatever I want. I wasn't breaking any laws. Oh, I suppose I could make an apology here, for what I have no idea. If you act stoopid, well, don't do in front of a writer. She also wants the address removed, for fear that THE Gays will organize some sort of protest, or raid her shop. Funny thing is, THE Gays in this town hardly organize anything. Unless there's booze involved , particularly if it happens to be free or REALLY cheap. Hell, Rumors has daily happy hour where you can get really plastered and fall out of taxis. Some friends tried to get me to go there a couple of weeks ago, but since I wasn't drinking, I thought not. One has to be plastered to go there. I hate that dump. So the deal here, what do I remove at the behest of some pushy broad who doesn't have the knowledge to discuss things in a reasonable way. I mean, you could just as well asked where THE Fags are. Gay Community has a much nicer tone, and doesn't offend. So I'll just remove the address so anyone in Bellingham that reads this tripe, won't have a clue as to where to find pricey, stinky cheese. Hmph

Ummm. Screw this. This is not about some pushy broad and her need to have total control over whatever is written about her. This is about Freedom of Speech.

This is about the courts, not the cops.

(I never EVEN saw the report!)

This is about Lawyers.

This is about A CEASE AND DESIST COURT ORDER.

THIS IS A LAWSUIT.

Here's the address:

1200 Old Fairhaven Parkway at 12th St. • Suite 101

I WOULD DO HIM.

Is this the hottest cabinet member since George Stephanoplis? I can't tell. I don't know what the hell he has to say, but bring his short ass over here, and let me throw on a condom.

WAY CUTE.

For a white guy.

I love you Rahm.

I want you.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....

HAPPY 100 MISS DAVIS!!!!

Joan is simply DONE with me. She sent me an email from HELL, where she reported the DREADFUL stuff Bette was doing to her. But this is THE YEAR for DAVIS, (and MERMAN, but who remembers her?).

Davis, regardless of how AWFUL the roles she took on, was always DAVIS. This is why we love her.

Slap me honey. Slap me straight to hell.

VOTE FOR GRACIE!!!

Yeah, the elections are over, and we got a swell guy in office (after eight years of a LOUSE) but who would not vote for GRACIE ALLEN?!

This crazy gal took a WHISTLE-STOP tour, had campaign buttons, a little ditty, "VOTE FOR GRACIE", a platform for the unemployed, and then garnered 100,000 write-in votes!

Listen here:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=96588557

CHEEZY BIZNIZ!!!

Artisan cheese shop seeks articulate foodie (Fairhaven)

OK. I applied for this job around a month and a half ago.

If ANYONE has foodie experience, it's moiself (that's French for Derek Washington). Though I don't eat much, I love to snack. If every hour was HAPPY hour, I would be content. Nibbling is a great way to doff those extra pounds or maintain. Oh sure, you might get a little edgy or high strung, BUT WHO CARES?! As long as you yell at strangers, or pull a McCain and do it to large numbers of folks you BUSSED IN, then you have a right. People in the Service Industry are used to being yelled at. We get "BAD DAY". Always apologize afterwards. Leave a big tip. Tell them you love that hair do.

But. I digress.

So this hirsute chick calls me when she gets the resume. Perfect. All I want is to work a couple of days, and then on Wednesday, He Rests. For the week. If I were GOD, y'all would still be waiting for Germany to be created. Now, mind you, Craig has lifted a snifter or two (or three-ish) when this crazy chick phones, so I'm like....."Could we make it on the morrow?" NO! If you want the job that badly you'll get here NOW!

I didn't want the job that badly.

BURP!

Hiccough!

So RACHEL calls back.

OK.

AND WANTS TO GO TO DINNER! Now, drunk or not, I know what a TO GO box is, and my fridge loves them. So I put some MOLDING MUD in my coiffure, tossed on a blazer, and off I went to TIVOLI, where this crazy chick ORDERED FOR ME. I expect this from a date, but not a woman interviewing me, while drunk, for a job. Getting down to the nutz and boltz: Once RACHEL found out that I have a monthly column in THE BETTY PAGES, and figured from my lisp that I might be GAY (plus good table manners, which are rare in this part of the country), she kept on me to WRITE about her business, dictating the column. By dessert (creme brulle), I was exhausted.

She kept asking me: Where are THE GAYS?

THE GAYS?! WTF?! Where are THE DWARVES, THE BLACK FOLKS, THE PARTIALLY BLIND, THE AMPUTEES, THE.....pronounce it theeee, and you'll get my point here.

Finally, when I realized that RACHEL wanted not to hire me as much as she wanted free press, I was like FUCK THIS. I don't need a job THAT BAD, even if I want to work!

Cah-raaaazy control freak, now looking to hire another lackey. Even the STINKY CHEESE line is mine!!! But it truly was THE Gays that got me. Finally I told her that Bellingham was built on a toilet paper plant, and that most of THE GAYS in this town would happily nibble on Velveeta and Wonder Bread. With Miracle Whip. This ain't the homo sophisticate here. Not remotely.

THEY'RE FROM THE NORTHWEST!

When I write for THE BETTY PAGES, it's about CRAIG'S WORLD. They never edit me, let me rant about whatever, swear like a sailor. I intend to offend some of you, but MIGHT apologize for using the C word. Might. Google Shirley Nagel and see who I WON'T apologize to.

Anyway, RACHEL is hiring again, and I can only wonder why.

See Craigslist post here:

Immediate opening:

Artisan cheese shop seeks sophisticated & articulate foodie for sales position. This position offers 30-40 hours per week as well as the necessary training for the qualified individual.

Qualifications:
-Must be very available through the holidays with the exception of Thanksgiving Day,Christmas Day, and New Years Day.
-Must love artisan cheeses... this includes having the palate for goat cheese, blues and washed rind(stinky)cheeses!
-Must be over 21 years of age.
-Must be available Saturdays and Sundays beyond the holiday season.
-Must be knowledgeable and passionate about food and wine, and very enthusiastic about cheese.
-Applicant should be friendly, outgoing and comfortable in a fast-paced work environment.
-Must exhibit a commitment to superior customer service, demonstrate great attention to detail and offer effective and creative problem solving skills.
-Previous fine dining, specialty food and/or travel experience a plus.

I GOT A ROCK.....

IS SHIRLEY NAGEL THE WITCHIEST WITCH IN HISTORY?!
HOW DARE HER TAKE HER SHITTY FUCKING POLITICAL RHETORIC, AND NOT CRAM IT DOWN KIDS THROATS?! NOW Y'ALL KNOW I DON'T WANT TO GET ALL POLITICAL HERE, BUT THIS BITCH NEEDS TO BE SHOT.

WITH AN HIV+ COCK.

UP HER ASS.

Here's the story:

By The Associated Press

GROSSE POINTE FARMS, Mich. - A suburban Detroit woman decided to scare up the vote among neighbourhood children by just offering treats to John McCain supporters.

Shirley Nagel of Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan, handed out candy Friday only to those who shared her support for the Republican presidential candidate and his running mate, Sarah Palin.

Others were turned away empty-handed.

TV station WJBK says a sign outside Nagel's house warned: No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters.

Nagel calls Democrat Barack Obama scary. When asked about children who were turned away empty-handed and crying, she said simply: Everybody has a choice.

Fax and phone messages left at numbers for Nagel were not returned.

Write her and sign it "RICHARD AMIVIZCA"

The Nagels

465 Belanger St.

Grosset Pointe Farms MI

48236