THE NAKED KISS
OK, sometimes you feel like a really great baaaaad movie, be it some Lana Turner weepie or a sudsy made for TV biopic. But every so often, when you least expect it, you come across something at the local library that leaves you aghast.
Directed by Sam Fuller, and made for about $37.49 in 1964, THE NAKED KISS has everything you could want in bad movie fare. In a mere 90 minutes you get prostitution, deformed kids, weird musical numbers, bad acting, and, of course, The Naked Kiss. And that kiss is a wow. Starring Constance Towers (Mrs. John Gavin) and nobody in particular, this film opens (pre-credits) with a woman beating the hell out of a man with a stiletto heel. Though he has more than 800 bucks on him, she politely takes what's coming to her...75. (Oh, did I mention that he reaches up to pull her hair and IT COMES OFF?! revealing that she's BALD?!) Credits roll, with Towers reapplying make up and reattaching hair beneath. You can tell this is going to be good. It is. From the time Kelly (spelled "K-E-double L-Y") breezes into a perfect town, with a valise of ANGEL FOAM (a pricey champagne at $10) and meets up with a really cheap version of Jack Webb (if there is such a thing) copper. Now, he won't have any prostitution on his beat, though he does fork over to sample her wares. Then he suggests she make it over state lines to CANDY'S, a tavern with liquor and bon-bons named Marshmallow and Hat Rack (everyman wants to hang his fedora on her) served up for masculine pleasure. But meandering through a nice suburban neighborhood Kelly comes upon a sign. "PLEASANT ROOM TO RENT." Kelly smiles, and soon the room is hers, and the next thing you know, she's working in the local hospital, blithely teaching kids to walk. But not before she goes over to settle a score with Candy, thereby beating the hell out of Virginia Grey (former MGM starlet turned everybody's best gal pal turned, well) with her clutch. I do so love accessories as weapons, don't you? Then Kelly shambles into a relationship with the town benefactor, played by a really cheap version of (insert any swarthy heartthrob of the era here) suddenly finding herself engaged. Oh the joy! Bye bye Nurse K-E-double L-Y, hello town benefactress. Naturally, swarthy fiance has a secret, and this one is a doozy. Sordid, lurid and an utter delight. I couldn't stop gaping at this one. Only Charles Busch could pull off a remake.
Oh, did I mention that future Russ Meyer girl Edy Williams makes a cameo?
Speaking of Edies. Edie Adams finally kicked the bucket. The last of the Great Broads died on October 16th. Formerly Mrs. Ernie Kovacks and star of stage and screen, she was one of those gals you thought would go on forever. And she will, as the Fairy God Dame in the original Cinderella starring Julie Andrews (available on DVD).
Also starring Julie Andrews: VICTOR/VICTORIA. Take away my Gay Card when I admit this: I have never liked this movie. It has to do with some psychological damage done by my first boyfriend, who I had the misfortune to see this movie with in theaters YEARS ago. I've always associated this flick with VAUGHN (I used to be a felon but it was white collar crime so it doesn't count) WELTY, so I've never been able to sit through it again. However, I'm a sucker for Special Features, and when I noticed on the back that there was a commentary track with Andrews and hubby Blake Edwards, I thought, hell. There's nothing else on the library shelf. What a pleasant surprise. I started with the audio commentary, got about 15 minutes into it (Blake's had more lucid years, I'm sure), switched off the track, and watched the damn thing and enjoyed the hell out of it. The finale is classic, looks like an old Carol Burnett episode because Robert Preston LOOKS LIKE he's having a little too much fun in that dress. Sure enough, that scene was done with little rehearsal, and in one take. TOO MUCH.
UNDERSTANDING CATS WITH ROGER TABOR. Well, I didn't really see it, but Gus sat on my lap enraptured. I was laughing at him watching the damn thing, worrying that he'd think my chortling was at him rather than with him. You know how cats are.
Maybe not such a good movie for people.
But your pussy will love it.
OK, sometimes you feel like a really great baaaaad movie, be it some Lana Turner weepie or a sudsy made for TV biopic. But every so often, when you least expect it, you come across something at the local library that leaves you aghast.
Directed by Sam Fuller, and made for about $37.49 in 1964, THE NAKED KISS has everything you could want in bad movie fare. In a mere 90 minutes you get prostitution, deformed kids, weird musical numbers, bad acting, and, of course, The Naked Kiss. And that kiss is a wow. Starring Constance Towers (Mrs. John Gavin) and nobody in particular, this film opens (pre-credits) with a woman beating the hell out of a man with a stiletto heel. Though he has more than 800 bucks on him, she politely takes what's coming to her...75. (Oh, did I mention that he reaches up to pull her hair and IT COMES OFF?! revealing that she's BALD?!) Credits roll, with Towers reapplying make up and reattaching hair beneath. You can tell this is going to be good. It is. From the time Kelly (spelled "K-E-double L-Y") breezes into a perfect town, with a valise of ANGEL FOAM (a pricey champagne at $10) and meets up with a really cheap version of Jack Webb (if there is such a thing) copper. Now, he won't have any prostitution on his beat, though he does fork over to sample her wares. Then he suggests she make it over state lines to CANDY'S, a tavern with liquor and bon-bons named Marshmallow and Hat Rack (everyman wants to hang his fedora on her) served up for masculine pleasure. But meandering through a nice suburban neighborhood Kelly comes upon a sign. "PLEASANT ROOM TO RENT." Kelly smiles, and soon the room is hers, and the next thing you know, she's working in the local hospital, blithely teaching kids to walk. But not before she goes over to settle a score with Candy, thereby beating the hell out of Virginia Grey (former MGM starlet turned everybody's best gal pal turned, well) with her clutch. I do so love accessories as weapons, don't you? Then Kelly shambles into a relationship with the town benefactor, played by a really cheap version of (insert any swarthy heartthrob of the era here) suddenly finding herself engaged. Oh the joy! Bye bye Nurse K-E-double L-Y, hello town benefactress. Naturally, swarthy fiance has a secret, and this one is a doozy. Sordid, lurid and an utter delight. I couldn't stop gaping at this one. Only Charles Busch could pull off a remake.
Oh, did I mention that future Russ Meyer girl Edy Williams makes a cameo?
Speaking of Edies. Edie Adams finally kicked the bucket. The last of the Great Broads died on October 16th. Formerly Mrs. Ernie Kovacks and star of stage and screen, she was one of those gals you thought would go on forever. And she will, as the Fairy God Dame in the original Cinderella starring Julie Andrews (available on DVD).
Also starring Julie Andrews: VICTOR/VICTORIA. Take away my Gay Card when I admit this: I have never liked this movie. It has to do with some psychological damage done by my first boyfriend, who I had the misfortune to see this movie with in theaters YEARS ago. I've always associated this flick with VAUGHN (I used to be a felon but it was white collar crime so it doesn't count) WELTY, so I've never been able to sit through it again. However, I'm a sucker for Special Features, and when I noticed on the back that there was a commentary track with Andrews and hubby Blake Edwards, I thought, hell. There's nothing else on the library shelf. What a pleasant surprise. I started with the audio commentary, got about 15 minutes into it (Blake's had more lucid years, I'm sure), switched off the track, and watched the damn thing and enjoyed the hell out of it. The finale is classic, looks like an old Carol Burnett episode because Robert Preston LOOKS LIKE he's having a little too much fun in that dress. Sure enough, that scene was done with little rehearsal, and in one take. TOO MUCH.
UNDERSTANDING CATS WITH ROGER TABOR. Well, I didn't really see it, but Gus sat on my lap enraptured. I was laughing at him watching the damn thing, worrying that he'd think my chortling was at him rather than with him. You know how cats are.
Maybe not such a good movie for people.
But your pussy will love it.
2 comments:
My pussy loves a good mvie too.
The Naked kiss IS the best bad movie ever! The secret is TAWDRY and truly shocking.
When K E double L Y shoves $25 down Candys gullet while counting it out, well, it reminds me of a kid being forced by their mom to eat yet another helping of "Atsa My Turkey" casserole.
Faboo!
Btw, Vaughn Welty's true crime was making you not like Victor Victoria!
CHICAGO ILLINOIS..CHICAGO ILLINOIS......ONE DAY WE'LL EVEN HAVE AN AIRPORT!
Poooooohhhhhkkkeee, I'm horny!
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